You don’t know me of course, but i’ve heard a whole lot about you. You see i’ve been watching you from across the room, waiting on all these people with their eager and optimistic faces to finish fawning over you. You must be tired of being forced to smile at everyone, and nod along as they bore you with their dreams and wishes. And what does it feel to be liked by everyone? All fresh faced and untampered with, everything on you is new, and littered with the scent of possibility. I know, i’m kinda jealous, but hey, i’ve been around for a while and collected my fair share of haters and one or two enemies. Give yourself five months around here and you will catch my drift. So please don’t get carried away by all this attention. Just enjoy it, and keep nodding along. In fact, let me give you a few tips to help you out.
I know you never met 2022, but don’t hold back hating on Her alongside the rest of us.
2022 was kind of a know it all, so most people in this room don’t like her. Me, i’m impartial to her, but I keep that to myself so I can get along with the rest. Just like you, she came in all glowy, promising things she knew she wouldn’t deliver. If you told her you were going to lose weight, she would go oh my God yes, and you know what, i’m so gonna hook you up with some new age crap to hasten the process. If you told her you wanted be debt free, she’d start telling you how you could so make that happen with your current income. She had answers for everything. Wanna get married? Of course! Let’s go get us a man! New job? Why not! With that CV, anyone would be lucky to hire you. Oh she was so chirpy and jolly, it caught on. I mean, the two previous years had been so crappy we all wanted to believe her. Then everything sorta started falling apart barely a few weeks in, becoming bleaker as the months ebbed on, and ended up downright dark by year end. I’ll give it to her, she tried to stay upbeat. Still talked of better days to come when it was so clear nothing was going according to plan. By the time we were calling her out on her BS the year was over and she was bidding us goodbye. So yeah, most people don’t like her so much. In fact, your only task should be to be better than her. She didn’t set the bar so high.
Don’t Overpromise. By all means, don’t overpromise!
I overheard your conversation with that blue haired girl. Oh by the way there’s a lot of that going on now. Girls shaving half their hair and colouring the remaining half a riotous shade. It’s supposed to be some sort of empowered movement, but to be honest I don’t get it. You will get used to it. Tattoos are back with a vengeance too. And anklets. I didn’t hear everything, but was she talking about finally quitting her boring copywriter job to start her organic hair gel business? Hmmm…smart move nodding along by the way. And you will keep getting a lot of that. Eager eyed folk telling you they want to kick the ‘boring, stable, known’ to the can in favour of the ‘exciting, risky, unknown’. This will always be followed by a ‘You only Live Once’ or ‘I’m not getting any younger’ or ‘Tomorrow is not promised’ kind of line, uttered as if saying it lends some magical credibility to the effusive dream. Instead of encouraging them along, start asking them questions. People love talking about themselves, so ask ask ask and ask some more. Asking questions exonerates you from any responsibility for the choices made by the other person, while positioning you as affable and present. See? Try it, I use it all the time.
Try to keep the Drama to a Minimal, and don’t talk Much Either
Seriously. Have you heard of 2020? Came around here about three years ago, all glitz and glamour. She didn’t even last two months before she hit us with a Scandal. Apparently she went fooling around with this Chinese guy, who happened to have a weird viral disease. Next thing we know, she’s infected like half the population. What do you know, the whole institution went into lockdown because of her. I’m not kidding. People died! It took like two years before things went back to normal, and folks are still paranoid. Then there was the confused 2021. Babe couldn’t decide what she wanted with her life. Everywhere you looked, she was there. If you ask me what I remember about her, can’t tell you. Plus she used to talk a lot. And not the informed, cultured kind that you want to listen to, No. Just blah blah blah. We were all glad she left. I’ve already told you about 2022. To her credit though she threw one hell of a party in the desert before she left. That was nice of her, but still. Like, people here really just need to know that you will be drama-free, and you won’t overwhelm us with your opinions. Be nice, be easy, and just let us recover from the last three, yeah?
Alright, I hope that was helpful. If you ever want to hang out or just talk, i’m always around here going about my business, and you seem cool, so just come find me. Again, no drama, ok?
