Feelings are not Reality

I have spent a considerable amount of my adult life consistently getting reminded by both wise counsellors and life experiences that feelings are terrible decision making markers.

Granted, they are part of what makes us human. They tell us when something matters. They alert us to danger, draw us towards things we value, and sometimes expose things happening inside us that our rational minds haven’t yet had the courage to confront.

But feelings are not Reality.

Women are commonly perceived to be more emotional than Men. I suspect this is only partly true. Men may express emotions differently, but we are every bit as capable of being emotionally driven. We may not easily cry when our hearts are broken, but a hurt ego can lead a Man to do some remarkably hurtful things to the people he is meant to love and protect.

Fear is another one.

I once had a high-achieving friend who told me that what kept him working night and day, promotion after promotion, was the morbid awareness that he was one cancer diagnosis away from returning to the destitute financial reality he had grown up in.

So he worked harder. And harder. And accumulated more.

The thinking was simple enough: if I can just accumulate enough, perhaps I will finally be financially safe.

Except there is always a little more to accumulate.

The result was a successful career, but a neglected wife, and children who barely saw their Dad. He invested more and more in relationships with people who could advance his career, and less in authentic relationships with people who would love him with or without the title.

Fear had convinced him that the only way to protect his family was to give them as solid a financial fortress as possible, even if it meant spending less time with them. His fear shaped his Reality.

Then there is desire, and covetousness.

I have noticed something interesting in the way Men and Women can respond to envy. A Woman might see another Woman wearing a dress she has long wanted and feel some type of way about it. But often, by the time she gets home and her children or husband are loving on her, that feeling has gets replaced by another, gratitude for her loved ones. The dress is still nice and desirable, but it has lost its emotional grip in the face of a bigger, deeper emotion.

Men can be different.

A Man sees a friend pull up in a new car and suddenly starts looking at his perfectly functional car with resentment. What was fine five minutes ago is now evidence of his own inadequacy. So he starts asking himself what it is about him that prevents him from having the same thing. His loving wife and children may do absolutely nothing to interrupt this new feeling.

So he starts plotting. It might take a year. It might mean taking on irresponsible debt. It might mean compromising his integrity to secure a deal. But eventually, that upgrade arrives, and and for about five minutes, or five days, or five months, the feeling is satisfied.

Then someone else gets a better car, and the cycle begins again.

Here’s another cliche example; The Man who feels neglected at home.

Perhaps there are unmet expectations in his marriage that he has never properly communicated. Perhaps he feels unseen. Perhaps he has convinced himself that his wife no longer appreciates or values him.

Enter the female colleague. She listens. She laughs at his jokes. She tells him he is brilliant. She brings him a well-cooked lunch on Fridays while his wife has never thought to pack even a carrot for him.

So something happens inside him. Suddenly he feels seen, he feels understood, and he starts thinking, She gets me.

Except she doesn’t.

Because she has yet had to navigate mortgages, children, in-laws, sickness, disappointment, financial pressure, conflicting priorities or ten years of ordinary life together with him.

Anyone can appear perfect when no commitment is being asked of them. But feelings don’t care about any of that. They simply keep growing.

Before long, the colleague becomes the object of his fantasies. He is paying for her Master’s programme. He is taking her on secret vacations to places he has never taken his wife. All because a feeling that began as attraction was mistaken for truth.

I won’t even go into the lengths Men will go to when they feel insulted.

Wars have been fought because of anger. Divorces have happened because of anger. Families have been destroyed because of anger. Crimes of passion have been committed because someone felt disrespected, rejected or humiliated.

Anger is one of the most dangerous emotions a Man can have when he has not learned to master his emotions.

After years of chasing the wind because of envy, anger, hurt pride, fear and misdirected desire, I have come to appreciate just how easy it is to confuse what I feel with what is real.

Psychology tells us that emotions can function as signals. They communicate that something matters, that something may be wrong, or that something we value is being threatened or fulfilled.

But a signal is not the same thing as a verdict.

Sadness may tell me that something hurts. It does not necessarily tell me why. Anger may tell me that I have experienced an injustice. It does not automatically mean that I am right about who is responsible. Fear may tell me that I perceive danger. It does not mean that danger is actually present. Desire may tell me that I want something badly. It certainly doesn’t mean that I need it.

This is where emotional intelligence becomes so important for a Man of Mission. The goal isn’t to become emotionless, but rather to become the master of your emotions rather than their slave.

When a feeling comes, pause and Interrogate it.

Why am I feeling this? What is this feeling trying to tell me? Is the story I am telling myself actually true? What would happen if I acted on this feeling? Would the Man I want to become make this decision?

A Feeling is an invitation to investigate, not an instruction to act.

The book of Proverbs calls this Wisdom.

When God appeared to Solomon and essentially gave him a blank cheque, Solomon didn’t ask for wealth, long life or the death of his enemies. He asked for an understanding heart, so that he could discern between right and wrong and lead God’s people well.

What if that became the prayer of every Man who wants to lead with Purpose? “God, give me discernment.”

But Solomon eventually demonstrates the other side of the equation. He had wisdom, but he did not always submit his desires to it.

He accumulated hundreds of wives and concubines from foreign nations, and Scripture tells us that his wives turned his heart towards other gods. What began as desire eventually became disobedience. What happened in the heart of one Man eventually had consequences for an entire nation.

After Solomon’s death, the kingdom was divided. The northern kingdom would eventually fall to Assyria. The southern kingdom would later fall to Babylon. What begins in the inner life of a Man can eventually become a reality that affects everyone around him, maybe even generations after him.

This is why Paul’s letters speak so much about mastering the flesh. Men have been given a mandate to steward God’s creation. We have been called to love our wives, raise our children, sharpen one another and exercise dominion over what God has entrusted to us.

Leadership becomes dangerous when the Man leading everyone else is being led by whatever he happens to feel that day. A Man who feels disrespected can destroy a marriage. A Man who feels afraid can abandon his calling. A Man who feels envious can bankrupt his family. A Man who feels desired can destroy his integrity. A Man who feels angry can destroy a life.

So I have started thinking about feelings like thermometers. A thermometer is useful because it tells you the temperature. But you certainly don’t make a lifelong decision simply because the emotional temperature of the moment is high.

No, you read the thermometer, then you decide what to do. That requires patience, fortitude, kindness, love and wisdom.

C.S. Lewis wrote about the need for Men to have “chests”, i.e. the courage and moral formation to rise above the instincts of the animal and become something more than creatures simply satisfying whatever appetite happens to be strongest, but learning to bring them under the authority of something greater than ourselves.

Because feelings change, but reality doesn’t change simply because I feel differently about it.

My wife is still my wife when I’m angry with her. My calling is still my calling when I’m afraid of pursuing it. My children are still my responsibility when I’m tired of being responsible. Integrity is still integrity when compromise looks profitable. And God is still God when I don’t understand what He is doing.

The Man of Purpose therefore learns to ask a different question. Not,“What do I feel like doing?” But, “What is true, what is right, and what am I called to do?”. Read what Paul writes in Phillipians 4:8.

That is the difference between being driven by your feelings and being led by your Purpose. And perhaps that is what becoming a Man really means.

Not when you stop feeling, but when you learn that feelings are signals, not masters.